The Secret Dreamworld of a Shopaholic Read online

  'Hi!' she says brightly as she approaches.

  'Hi,' I gulp, trying to stay calm. 'Ahm… how many items have you got?'

  'Four,' she says, showing me the hangers. Behind me are tokens hanging on the wall, marked One Two, Three and Four. The girl's waiting for me to give her a token marked Four and let her in. But I can't. I physically cannot let her go in there with my jeans.

  'Actually,' I hear myself saying, 'you're only allowed three items.'

  'Really?' she says in surprise. 'But…' She gestures to the tokens.

  'I know,' I say. 'But they've just changed the rules. Sorry about that.' And I give her my best unhelpful shop-assistant smile.

  This is quite a power trip, actuality. You can just stop people trying on clothes! You can ruin their lives!

  'Oh, OK,' says the girl. 'Well, I'll leave out-'

  'These,' I say, and grab the zebra-print jeans.

  'No,' she says. 'Actually, I think I'll-'

  "We have to take the top item,' I explain, and give the unhelpful smile again. 'Sorry about that.'

  Thank God for bolshy shop assistants and stupid pointless rules. People are so used to them that this girl doesn't even question me. She just rolls her eyes, grabs the Three token and pushes her way past into the fitting-room, leaving me holding the precious jeans.

  OK, now what? From inside the girl's cubicle, I can hear zips being undone and hangers being clattered. She won't take long to try on those three things. And then she'll be out, wanting the zebra-print jeans. Oh God. What can I do? For a few moments I'm frozen with indecision. Then the sound of a cubicle curtain being rattled back jolts me into action. Quickly, I stuff the zebra-print jeans out of sight behind the curtain and stand up again with an innocent look on my face.

  A moment later, Danielle comes striding up, a clipboard in her hands.

  'All right?' she says. 'Coping, are you?'

  'I'm doing fine,' I say, and flash her a confident smile.

  'I'm just rostering in breaks,' she says. 'If you could manage to last until three, you can have an hour then.'

  'Fine,' I say in my positive, employee-of-the-month voice, even though I'm thinking ‘three?’ I'll be starving!

  'Good,' she says, and moves off into the corner to write on her piece of paper, just as a voice says, 'Hi. Can I have those jeans now?'

  Oh my God, it's the girl, back again. How can she have tried on all those other things so quickly? Is she bloody Houdini?

  'Hi!' I say, ignoring the last bit of what she said. 'Any good? That black skirt's really nice. The way the splits go at the…'

  'Not really,' she says, interrupting me, and shoves the lot back at me, all mussed up and off their hangers, I might add. 'It was really the jeans I wanted. Can I have them?'

  My heart starts to thump hard.

  'What jeans were they?' I say, wrinkling my brow sympathetically. 'Blue ones? You can get them over there, next to the…'

  'No!' says the girl impatiently. 'The zebra-print jeans I had a minute ago.'

  'Oh,' I say blankly. 'Oh yes. I'm not sure where they went. Maybe someone else took them.'

  'But I gave them to you! You were supposed to be looking after them.'

  'Ah,' I say, and flash my shop-assistant smile. 'I'm afraid we can't be held responsible for property given to us to hold while customers are in the fitting rooms.'

  'Oh for God's sake!' she says, looking at me as if I'm an imbecile. 'This is ridiculous! I gave them to you about thirty seconds ago! How can you have lost them?'

  Shit. She's really angry. Her voice is getting quite loud, and people are starting to look.

  'Is there a problem?' chimes in a syrupy voice, and I look up in horror. Danielle's coming over towards us, a sweet-but-menacing look on her face. OK, keep calm, I tell myself firmly. No-one can prove anything either way. And everyone knows the customer's always a troublemaker.

  'I gave this assistant a pair of jeans to look after because I had four items, which is apparently too many,' the girl begins explaining.

  'Four items?' says Danielle. 'But you're allowed four items in the fitting room.' And she turns to look at me with an expression which, frankly, isn't very friendly.

  'Are you?' I say innocently. 'Oh God, I'm sorry. I thought it was three. I'm new,' I add apologetically.

  'I thought it was four!' says the girl 'I mean, you've got tokens with bloody "Four" written on them!' She gives an impatient sigh. 'So anyway, I gave her the jeans, and tried on the other things – and then I came out for the jeans, and they're gone.'

  'Gone?' says Danielle sharply. 'Gone where?'

  'I'm not sure,' I say, trying to look as baffled as the next person. 'Maybe another customer took them.'

  'But you were holding them!' says the girl. 'So what – did someone just come up to you and whip them out of your fingers?'

  Oh piss off. What's her problem, anyway? How can she be so obsessed with a bloody pair of jeans?

  'Maybe you could get another pair from the rack,' I say, trying to sound helpful.

  'There isn't another pair,' she says icily. 'They were from the reduced rail.'

  'Rebecca, think!' says Danielle. 'Did you put them down somewhere?'

  'I must have done,' I say vaguely. 'It's been so busy in here, I must have put them on the rail, and I suppose another customer must have walked off with them.' I give an apologetic little shrug as though to say 'Customers, eh?'

  'Wait a minute!' says the girl sharply. 'What's that?'

  I follow her gaze and freeze. The zebra-print jeans have rolled out from under the curtain. For a moment we all stare at them.

  'Gosh!' I manage at last. 'There they are!'

  'And what exactly are they doing down there?' asks Danielle.

  'I don't know!' I say. 'Maybe they…' I swallow, trying to think as quickly as I can. 'Maybe…'

  'You took them!' says the girl incredulously. 'You bloody took them! You wouldn't let me try them on, and then you hid them!'

  'That's ridiculous!' I say, trying to sound convincing – but I can feel my cheeks flushing a guilty red. Oh God, why do I have to be someone who blushes? Why?

  'You little-' The girl breaks off and turns to Danielle. 'I want to make an official complaint.'

  'Rebecca,' says Danielle. 'Into my office, please.'

  Hang on a minute. Isn't she going to back me up? Isn't she going to defend her staff to the public? What happened to a united front?

  'Now!' she says sharply, and I jump in fright. As I walk slowly away to her office (broom cupboard, more like), I can see all the other staff looking at me and nudging each other. Oh God, how embarrassing. Still, it'll be OK. I'll just say sorry and promise not to do it again, and maybe offer to work overtime. Just as long as I don't get…

  I don't believe it. She's fired me. I haven't even worked there for a day, and I've been kicked out. I was so shocked when she told me, I actually became almost tearful. I mean, apart from the incident with the zebra print jeans, I thought I was doing really well. But apparently hiding stuff from customers is one of those automatic-firing things. (Which is really unfair, because she never told me that at the interview.)

  As I get changed out of my grey trousers and T-shirt, there's a heavy feeling in my heart. My retail career is over before it's even begun. I was only given twenty quid for the hours I've done today – and Danielle said that was being generous. And when I asked if I could quickly buy some clothes using my staff discount, she looked at me as if she wanted to hit me.

  It's all gone wrong. No job, no money, no discount, just twenty bloody quid. Miserably, I start to walk along the street, shoving my hands in my pockets. Twenty bloody quid. What am I supposed to do with–

  'Rebecca!' My head jerks up and I find myself looking dazedly at a face which I know I recognize. But who is it? It's… it's…, it's…

  'Tom!' I exclaim in the nick of time. 'Hi there! What a surprise!'

  Well, blow me down. Tom Webster, up in London. What's he doing here? Shouldn't he
be in Reigate, grouting his Mediterranean tiles or something?

  'This is Lucy,' he says proudly, and pulls forward a girl holding about sixty-five carrier bags. And I don't believe it. It's the girl who was buying all that stuff in Ally Smith. The girl whose boyfriend was paying. Surely she didn't mean…

  'You're going out together?' I say stupidly. 'You and her?'

  'Yes,' says Tom, and grins at me. 'Have been for some time now.'

  But this doesn't make any sense. Why haven't Janice and Martin mentioned Tom's girlfriend? They've mentioned every other bloody thing in his life. And fancy Tom having a girlfriend!

  'Hi,' says Lucy.

  'Hi there,' I say. 'I'm Rebecca. Next-door neighbour. Childhood friend. All that.'

  'Oh you're Rebecca,' she says, and gives a swift glance at Tom.

  What does that mean? Have they been talking about me? God, does Tom still fancy me? How embarrassing.

  'That's me!' I say brightly, and give a little laugh.

  'You know, I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before,' says Lucy thoughtfully – and then her eyes crinkle in recognition. 'You work at Ally Smith, don't you?'

  'No!' I say, a little too sharply.

  'Oh,' she says. 'I thought I saw you-'

  God, I can't have it going back to my parents that I work in a shop. They'll think I've been lying about my entire life in London and that secretly I'm broke and living in a squalid bedsit.

  'Research,' I say coolly. 'I'm a journalist, actually.'

  'Rebecca's a financial journalist,' says Tom. 'Really knows her stuff.'

  'Oh right,' says Lucy, and I give her a supercilious smile.

  'Mum and Dad always listen to Rebecca,' says Tom.

  'Dad was talking about it just the other day. Said you'd been very helpful on some financial matter. Switching funds or something.'

  'I do what I can,' I say modestly, and give Tom a special, old-friends smile. Not that I'm jealous, or anything – but I do feel a little twinge seeing Tom smiling down at this Lucy character who, frankly, has very boring hair, even if her clothes are quite nice. Come to think of it, Tom's wearing quite nice clothes himself.

  Oh, what's going on? This is all wrong. Tom belongs in his starter home in Reigate, not prancing around expensive shops looking halfway decent.

  'Anyway,' he says. 'We must get going.'

  'Train to catch?' I say patronizingly. 'It must be hard, living so far out.'

  'It's not so bad,' says Lucy. 'I commute to Wetherby's every morning and it only takes forty minutes.'

  'You work for Wetherby's?' I say, aghast. Why am I surrounded by City high-flyers?

  'Yes,' she says. 'I'm one of their political advisers.'

  What? What does that mean? Is she really brainy, or something? Oh God, this gets worse and worse.

  'And we're not catching our train just yet,' says Tom, smiling down at Lucy. 'We're off to Tiffany first. Choose a little something for Lucy's birthday next week.' He lifts a hand and starts twisting a lock of her hair round his finger.

  I can't cope with this any more. It's not fair. Why haven't I got a boyfriend to buy me stuff in Tiffany's?

  'Well, lovely to see you,' I gabble. 'Give my love to your mum and dad. Funny they didn't mention Lucy,' I can't resist adding, a little spitefully. 'I saw them the other day, and they didn't mention her once.'

  I shoot an innocent look at Lucy. Hah! Now who's got the upper hand?

  But she and Tom are exchanging looks again.

  'They probably didn't want to…' begins Tom, and stops abruptly.

  'What?' I say.

  There's a long, awkward silence. Then Lucy says, 'Tom, I'll just look in this shop window for a second,' and walks off, leaving the two of us alone.

  God, what drama! I'm obviously the Third Person in their relationship.

  'Tom, what's going on?' I say, and give a little laugh.

  But it's obvious, isn't it? He's still hankering after me. And Lucy knows it.

  'Oh God,' says Tom, and rubs his face. 'Look, Rebecca, this isn't easy for me. But the thing is, Mum and Dad are aware of your… feelings for me. They didn't want to mention Lucy to you, because they thought you'd be' He exhales sharply. 'Disappointed.'

  What? Is this some kind of joke? I have never been more dumbfounded in all my life. For a few seconds I can't even move for astonishment.

  'My feelings for you?' I stutter at last. 'Are you joking?'

  'Look, it's pretty obvious,' he says, shrugging. 'Mum and Dad told me how the other day you kept on asking how I was, and all about my new house…' There's a slightly pitying look in his eye. Oh my God, I can't stand this. How can he think… 'I really like you, Becky,' he adds. 'I just don't…'

  'I was being polite!' I roar. 'I don't fancy you!'

  'Look,' he says. 'Let's just leave it, shall we?'

  'But I don't!' I cry furiously. 'I never did fancy you! That's why I didn't go out with you when you asked me! When we were both sixteen, remember?'

  I break off and look at him triumphantly – to see that his face hasn't moved a bit. He isn't listening. Or if he is, he's thinking that the fact I've dragged in our teenage past means I'm obsessed by him. And the more I try to argue the point, the more obsessed he'll think I am. Oh God, this is horrendous.

  'OK,' I say, trying to gather together the remaining shreds of my dignity. 'OK, we're obviously not communicating here, so I'll just leave you to it.' I glance over at. Lucy, who's looking in a shop window and obviously pretending not to be listening. 'Honestly, I'm not after your boyfriend,' I call. 'And I never was. Bye.'

  And I stride off down the street, a nonchalant smile plastered stiffly across my face.

  As I round the corner, however, the smile gradually slips, and I sit heavily down on a bench. In spite of myself, I feel humiliated. Of course, the whole thing's laughable. That Tom Webster should think I'm in love with him. Just serves me right for being too polite to his parents, and feigning interest in his bloody limed oak units. Next time I'll yawn loudly, or walk away. Or produce a boyfriend of my own. That would shut them all up, wouldn't it? And anyway, who cares what they think?

  I know all this. I know I shouldn't care two hoots what Tom Webster or his girlfriend think. But even so … I have to admit, I feel a bit low. Why haven't I got a boyfriend? There isn't even anyone I fancy at the moment. The last serious boyfriend I had was Robert Hayman, and we split up three months ago. And I didn't even much like him. He used to call me 'Love' and jokingly put his hands over my eyes during the rude bits in films. Even when I told him not to, he still kept doing it. It used to drive me mad. Even remembering it now makes me feel all tense and scratchy.

  But still, he was a boyfriend, wasn't he? He was someone to phone up during work, and go to parties with and use as ammunition against creeps. Maybe I shouldn't have chucked him. Maybe he was all right.

  I give a gusty sigh, stand up and start walking along the street again. All in all, it hasn't been a great day. I've lost a job and been patronized by Tom Webster. And now I haven't got anything to do tonight. I thought I'd be too knackered after working all day, so I didn't bother to organize anything.

  Still, at least I've got twenty quid.

  Twenty quid. I'll buy myself a nice cappuccino and a chocolate brownie. And a couple of magazines. And maybe something from Accessorize. Or some boots. In fact I really need some new boots – and I've seen some really nice ones in Hobbs with square toes and quite a low heel. I'll go there after my coffee, and look at the dresses, too. God, I deserve a treat, after today. And I need some new tights for work, and a nail file. And maybe a book to read on the tube…

  By the time I join the queue at Starbucks, I feel happier already.

  ***

  7 Camel Square

  Liverpool L1 5NP

  Ms Rebecca Bloomwood

  Flat 2

  4 Burney Rd

  London SW6 8FD

  15 March 2000

  Dear Ms Bloomwood

  PGNI First Bank VISA Card
No. 1475839204847586

  Thank you for your letter of 11 March.

  Your offer of a free subscription to Successful Saving magazine is most kind, as is your invitation to dinner at the Ivy. Unfortunately, employees of PGNI First Bank are prohibited from accepting such gifts.

  I look forward to receiving your outstanding payment of ?105.40, as soon as possible.

  Yours sincerely

  Peter Johnson

  Customer Accounts Executive

  Ten

  On Monday morning I wake early, feeling rather hollow inside. My gaze flits to the pile of unopened carrier bags in the corner of my room and then quickly flits away again. I know I spent too much money on Saturday. I know I shouldn't have bought two pairs of boots. I know I shouldn't have bought that purple dress. In all, I spent… Actually, I don't want to think about how much I spent. Think about something else, quick, I instruct myself. Something else. Anything will do. I'm well aware that at the back of my mind, thumping quietly like a drumbeat, are the twin horrors of

  Guilt and Panic.

  Guilt Guilt Guilt Guilt.

  Panic Panic Panic Panic.

  If I let them, they'd swoop into my mind and take over. I'd feel completely paralysed with misery and fear. So the trick I've learned is simply not to listen. I close off the back of my mind – and then nothing worries me. It's simple self-defence. My mind is very well trained like that.

  My other trick is to distract myself with different thoughts and activities. So I get up, switch the radio on, take a shower and get dressed. The thumping is still there at the back of my head, but gradually, gradually, it's fading away. As I go into the kitchen and make a cup of coffee, I can barely hear it any more. A cautious relief floods over me, like that feeling you get when a painkiller finally gets rid of your headache. I can relax. I'm going to be all right.

  On the way out I pause in the hall to check my appearance in the mirror (Top: River Island, Skirt: French Connection, Tights: Pretty Polly Velvets, Shoes: Ravel) and reach for my coat (Coat: House of Fraser sale). Just then the post plops through the door, and I go to pick it up. There's a handwritten letter for Suze, and a postcard from the Maldives. And for me, there are two ominous-looking window envelopes. One from VISA, one from Endwich Bank.