Sophie Kinsella's Shopaholic 5-Book Bundle Page 3

  I take a sip of champagne, lean back, and prepare to relax. There’s no point listening at press conferences. The information’s always in the press pack, and you can work out what they were talking about later. In fact, I’m wondering whether anyone would notice if I took out a pot of Hard Candy and did my nails, when suddenly the awful Alicia ducks her head down to mine.

  “Rebecca?”

  “Yes?” I say lazily.

  “Phone call for you. It’s your editor.”

  “Philip?” I say stupidly. As though I’ve a whole array of editors to choose from.

  “Yes.” She looks at me as though I’m a moron and gestures to a phone on a table at the back. Elly gives me a questioning look and I shrug back. Philip’s never phoned me at a press conference before.

  I feel rather excited and important as I walk to the back of the room. Perhaps there’s an emergency at the office. Perhaps he’s scooped an incredible story and wants me to fly to New York to follow up a lead.

  “Hello, Philip?” I say into the receiver—then immediately I wish I’d said something thrusting and impressive, like a simple

  “Yep.”

  “Rebecca, listen, sorry to be a bore,” says Philip, “but I’ve got a migraine coming on. I’m going to head off home.”

  “Oh,” I say puzzledly.

  “And I wondered if you could run a small errand for me.”

  An errand? If he wants somebody to buy him Tylenol, he should get a secretary.

  “I’m not sure,” I say discouragingly. “I’m a bit tied up here.”

  “When you’ve finished there. The Social Security Select Committee is releasing its report at five o’clock. Can you go and pick it up? You can go straight to Westminster from your press conference.”

  What? I stare at the phone in horror. No, I can’t pick up a bloody report. I need to pick up my VISA card! I need to secure my scarf.

  “Can’t Clare go?” I say. “I was going to come back to the office and finish my research on …” What am I supposed to be writing about this month? “On mortgages.”

  “Clare’s got a briefing in the City. And Westminster’s on your way home to Trendy Fulham, isn’t it?”

  Philip always has to make a joke about me living in Fulham. Just because he lives in Harpenden and thinks anyone who doesn’t live in lovely leafy suburbia is mad.

  “You can just hop off the tube,” he’s saying, “pick it up, and hop back on again.”

  Oh God. I close my eyes and think quickly. An hour here. Rush back to the office, pick up my VISA card, back to Denny and George, get my scarf, rush to Westminster, pick up the report. I should just about make it.

  “Fine,” I say. “Leave it to me.”

  I sit back down, just as the lights dim and the words Far Eastern Opportunities appear on the screen in front of us. There is a colorful series of pictures from Hong Kong, Thailand, and other exotic places, which would usually have me thinking wistfully about going on holiday. But today I can’t relax, or even feel sorry for the new girl from Portfolio Week, who’s frantically trying to write everything down and will probably ask five questions because she thinks she should. I’m too concerned about my scarf. What if I don’t make it back in time? What if someone puts in a higher offer? The very thought makes me panic.

  Then, just as the pictures of Thailand disappear and the boring graphs begin, I have a flash of inspiration. Of course! I’ll pay cash for the scarf. No one can argue with cash. I can get £100 out on my cash card, so all I need is another £20, and the scarf is mine.

  I tear a piece of paper out of my notebook, write on it “Can you lend me twenty quid?” and pass it to Elly, who’s still surreptitiously listening to her mobile phone. I wonder what she’s listening to. It can’t still be her horoscope, surely? She looks down, shakes her head, and writes, “No can do. Bloody machine swallowed my card. Living off luncheon vouchers at moment.”

  Damn. I hesitate, then write, “What about credit card? I’ll pay you back, honest. And what are you listening to?”

  I pass the page to her and suddenly the lights go up. The presentation has ended and I didn’t hear a word of it. People shift around on their seats and a PR girl starts handing out glossy brochures. Elly finishes her call and grins at me.

  “Love life prediction,” she says, tapping in another number. “It’s really accurate stuff.”

  “Load of old bullshit, more like.” I shake my head disapprovingly. “I can’t believe you go for all that rubbish. Call yourself a financial journalist?”

  “No,” says Elly. “Do you?” And we both start to giggle, until some old bag from one of the nationals turns round and gives us an angry glare.

  “Ladies and gentlemen.” A piercing voice interrupts us and I look up. It’s Alicia, standing up at the front of the room. She’s got very good legs, I note resentfully. “As you can see, the Foreland Exotic Opportunities Savings Plan represents an entirely new approach to investment.” She looks around the room, meets my eye, and smiles coldly.

  “Exotic Opportunities,” I whisper scornfully to Elly and point to the leaflet. “Exotic prices, more like. Have you seen how much they’re charging?”

  (I always turn to the charges first. Just like I always look at the price tag first.)

  Elly rolls her eyes sympathetically, still listening to the phone.

  “Foreland Investments are all about adding value,” Alicia is saying in her snooty voice. “Foreland Investments offer you more.”

  “They charge more, you lose more,” I say aloud without thinking, and there’s a laugh around the room. God, how embarrassing. And now Luke Brandon’s lifting his head, too. Quickly I look down and pretend to be writing notes.

  Although to be honest, I don’t know why I even pretend to write notes. It’s not as if we ever put anything in the magazine except the puff that comes on the press release. Foreland Investments takes out a whopping double-page spread advertisement every month, and they took Philip on some fantastic research (ha-ha) trip to Thailand last year—so we’re never allowed to say anything except how wonderful they are. Like that’s really any help to our readers.

  As Alicia carries on speaking, I lean toward Elly.

  “So, listen,” I whisper. “Can I borrow your credit card?”

  “All used up,” hisses Elly apologetically. “I’m up to my limit. Why do you think I’m living off LVs?”

  “But I need money!” I whisper. “I’m desperate! I need twenty quid!”

  I’ve spoken more loudly than I intended and Alicia stops speaking.

  “Perhaps you should have invested with Foreland Investments, Rebecca,” says Alicia, and another titter goes round the room. A few faces turn round to gawk at me, and I stare back at them lividly. They’re fellow journalists, for God’s sake. They should be on my side. National Union of Journalists solidarity and all that.

  Not that I’ve ever actually got round to joining the NUJ. But still.

  “What do you need twenty quid for?” says Luke Brandon, from the front of the room.

  “I … my aunt,” I say defiantly. “She’s in hospital and I wanted to get her a present.”

  The room is silent. Then, to my disbelief, Luke Brandon reaches into his pocket, takes out a £20 note, and gives it to a guy in the front row of journalists. He hesitates, then passes it back to the row behind. And so it goes on, a twenty-quid note being passed from hand to hand, making its way to me like a fan at a gig being passed over the crowd. As I take hold of it, a round of applause goes round the room and I blush.

  “Thanks,” I say awkwardly. “I’ll pay you back, of course.”

  “My best wishes to your aunt,” says Luke Brandon.

  “Thanks,” I say again. Then I glance at Alicia, and feel a little dart of triumph. She looks utterly deflated.

  Toward the end of the question-and-answer session, people begin slipping out to get back to their offices. This is usually when I slip out to go and buy a cappuccino and browse in a few shops. But today I
don’t. Today I decide I will stick it out until the last dismal question about tax structures. Then I’ll go up to the front and thank Luke Brandon in person for his kind, if embarrassing, gesture. And then I’ll go and get my scarf. Yippee!

  But to my surprise, after only a few questions, Luke Brandon gets up, whispers something to Alicia, and heads for the door.

  “Thanks,” I mutter as he passes my chair, but I’m not sure he even hears me.

  The tube stops in a tunnel for no apparent reason. Five minutes go by, then ten minutes. I can’t believe my bad luck. Normally, of course, I long for the tube to break down—so I’ve got an excuse to stay out of the office for longer. But today I behave like a stressed businessman with an ulcer. I tap my fingers and sigh, and peer out of the window into the blackness.

  Part of my brain knows that I’ve got plenty of time to get to Denny and George before it closes. Another part knows that even if I don’t make it, it’s unlikely the blond girl will sell my scarf to someone else. But the possibility is there. So until I’ve got that scarf in my hands I won’t be able to relax.

  As the train finally gets going again I sink into my seat with a dramatic sigh and look at the pale, silent man on my left. He’s wearing jeans and sneakers, and I notice his shirt is on inside out. Gosh, I think in admiration, did he read the article on deconstructing fashion in last month’s Vogue, too? I’m about to ask him—then I take another look at his jeans (really nasty fake 501s) and his sneakers (very new, very white)—and something tells me he didn’t.

  “Thank God!” I say instead. “I was getting desperate there.”

  “It’s frustrating,” he agrees quietly.

  “They just don’t think, do they?” I say. “I mean, some of us have got crucial things we need to be doing. I’m in a terrible hurry!”

  “I’m in a bit of a hurry myself,” says the man.

  “If that train hadn’t started moving, I don’t know what I would have done.” I shake my head. “You feel so … impotent!”

  “I know exactly what you mean,” says the man intensely. “They don’t realize that some of us …” He gestures toward me. “We aren’t just idly traveling. It matters whether we arrive or not.”

  “Absolutely!” I say. “Where are you off to?”

  “My wife’s in labor,” he says. “Our fourth.”

  “Oh,” I say, taken aback. “Well … Gosh. Congratulations. I hope you—”

  “She took an hour and a half last time,” says the man, rubbing his damp forehead. “And I’ve been on this tube for forty minutes already. Still. At least we’re moving now.”

  He gives a little shrug, then smiles at me.

  “How about you? What’s your urgent business?”

  Oh God.

  “I … ahm … I’m going to …”

  I stop feebly and clear my throat, feeling rather sheepish. I can’t tell this man that my urgent business consists of picking up a scarf from Denny and George.

  I mean, a scarf. It’s not even a suit or a coat, or something worthy like that.

  “It’s not that important,” I mumble.

  “I don’t believe that,” he says nicely.

  Oh, now I feel awful. I glance up—and thank goodness, it’s my stop.

  “Good luck,” I say, hastily getting up. “I really hope you get there in time.”

  As I walk along the pavement I’m feeling a bit shamefaced. I should have got out my 120 quid and given it to that man for his baby, instead of buying a pointless scarf. I mean, when you think about it, what’s more important? Clothes—or the miracle of new life?

  As I ponder this issue, I feel quite deep and philosophical. In fact, I’m so engrossed, I almost walk past my turning. But I look up just in time and turn the corner—and feel a jolt. There’s a girl coming toward me and she’s carrying a Denny and George carrier bag. And suddenly everything is swept from my mind.

  Oh my God.

  What if she’s got my scarf?

  What if she asked for it specially and that assistant sold it to her, thinking I wasn’t going to come back?

  My heart starts to beat in panic and I begin to stride along the street toward the shop. As I arrive at the door and push it open, I can barely breathe for fear. What if it’s gone? What will I do?

  But the blond girl smiles as I enter.

  “Hi!” she says. “It’s waiting for you.”

  “Oh, thanks,” I say in relief and subside weakly against the counter.

  I honestly feel as though I’ve run an obstacle course to get here. In fact, I think, they should list shopping as a cardiovascular activity. My heart never beats as fast as it does when I see a “reduced by 50 percent” sign.

  I count out the money in tens and twenties and wait, almost shivering as she ducks behind the counter and produces the green box. She slides it into a thick glossy bag with dark green cord handles and hands it to me, and I almost want to cry out loud, the moment is so wonderful.

  That moment. That instant when your fingers curl round the handles of a shiny, uncreased bag—and all the gorgeous new things inside it become yours. What’s it like? It’s like going hungry for days, then cramming your mouth full of warm buttered toast. It’s like waking up and realizing it’s the weekend. It’s like the better moments of sex. Everything else is blocked out of your mind. It’s pure, selfish pleasure.

  I walk slowly out of the shop, still in a haze of delight. I’ve got a Denny and George scarf. I’ve got a Denny and George scarf! I’ve got …

  “Rebecca.” A man’s voice interrupts my thoughts. I look up and my stomach gives a lurch of horror. It’s Luke Brandon.

  Luke Brandon is standing on the street, right in front of me, and he’s staring down at my carrier bag. I feel myself growing flustered. What’s he doing here on the pavement anyway? Don’t people like that have chauffeurs? Shouldn’t he be whisking off to some vital financial reception or something?

  “Did you get it all right?” he says, frowning slightly.

  “What?”

  “Your aunt’s present.”

  “Oh yes,” I say, and swallow. “Yes, I … I got it.”

  “Is that it?” He gestures to the bag and I feel a guilty blush spread over my cheeks.

  “Yes,” I say eventually. “I thought a … a scarf would be nice.”

  “Very generous of you. Denny and George.” He raises his eyebrows. “Your aunt must be a stylish lady.”

  “She is,” I say, and clear my throat. “She’s terribly creative and original.”

  “I’m sure she is,” says Luke, and pauses. “What’s her name?”

  Oh God. I should have run as soon as I saw him, while I had a chance. Now I’m paralyzed. I can’t think of a single female name.

  “Erm … Ermintrude,” I hear myself saying.

  “Aunt Ermintrude,” says Luke thoughtfully. “Well, give her my best wishes.”

  He nods at me, and walks off, and I stand, clutching my bag, trying to work out if he guessed or not.

  • ENDWICH BANK •

  FULHAM BRANCH

  3 Fulham Road

  London SW6 9JH

  Ms. Rebecca Bloomwood

  Flat 2

  4 Burney Rd.

  London SW6 8FD

  17 November 1999

  Dear Ms. Bloomwood:

  I am sorry to hear that you have glandular fever.

  When you have recovered, perhaps you would be kind enough to ring my assistant, Erica Parnell, and arrange a meeting to discuss your situation.

  Yours sincerely,

  Derek Smeath

  Manager

  • ENDWICH — BECAUSE WE CARE •

  Three

  I WALK THROUGH THE DOOR of our flat to see Suze, my flatmate, sitting in one of her strange yoga positions, with her eyes closed. Her fair hair is scrunched up in a knot, and she’s wearing black leggings together with the ancient T-shirt she always wears for yoga. It’s the one her dad was wearing when he rowed Oxford to victory, and she says it gives
her good vibes.

  For a moment I’m silent. I don’t want to disturb her in case yoga is like sleepwalking and you’re not meant to wake people when they’re doing it. But then Suze opens her eyes and looks up—and the first thing she says is “Denny and George! Becky, you’re not serious.”

  “Yes,” I say, grinning from ear to ear. “I bought myself a scarf.”

  “Show me!” says Suze, unwinding herself from the floor. “Show-me-show-me-show-me!” She comes over and starts tugging at the strings of the carrier, like a kid. “I want to see your new scarf! Show me!”

  This is why I love sharing a flat with Suze. Julia, my old flatmate, would have wrinkled her brow and said, “Denny and who?” or, “That’s a lot of money for a scarf.” But Suze completely and utterly understands. If anything, she’s worse than me.

  But then, she can afford to be. Although she’s twenty-five, like me, her parents still give her pocket money. It’s called an “allowance” and apparently comes from some family trust—but as far as I can see, it’s pocket money. Her parents also bought her a flat in Fulham as a twenty-first birthday present and she’s been living in it ever since, half working and half dossing about.

  She was in PR for a (very) short while, and that’s when I met her, on a press trip to an offshore bank on Guernsey. As a matter of fact, she was working for Brandon Communications. Without being rude—she admits it herself—she was the worst PR girl I’ve ever come across. She completely forgot which bank she was supposed to be promoting, and started talking enthusiastically about one of their competitors. The man from the bank looked crosser and crosser, while all the journalists pissed themselves laughing. Suze got in big trouble over that. In fact, that’s when she decided PR wasn’t the career for her. (The other way of putting it is that Luke Brandon gave her the sack as soon as they got back to London. Another reason not to like him.)